Nothing is the same....

I keep trying... 

I keep trying to push through, trying to move on and yet, every time I think I can stand and even attempt a few steps, I fall.  I want so bad to rewind the hands of time.  To go back to a place where I knew what to do and I didn't doubt every single one of my actions.  There was a time were I could message you and not second guess every thing I said.  

Or maybe I just want to fast forward to a point that sometime, somehow we are all good.  Maybe we are together.  Maybe we have moved to a place of not being awkward.  Just anything but this place right now because this hurts so much.

I just feel like a mess sometimes.  I am so good.  I tell you I'm okay.  I don't want you to see me falling apart like this.  I can be so good though....I can go days without feeling sad and then something reminds me of you and I just want to curl up in the places that remind me of you.  

When will it make sense? 

When will it stop hurting?

When will everything around me stop reminding me of you?

When will my heart feel like it isn't smashed?

When will it stop hurting when I breathe....

I've been through this enough...I know what to do.  It's just a breakup...only this time, it wasn't just another breakup.  I am a smart woman but why this time does it feel all so different, like I can't just walk away and be good, hold my head up and carry on.  This is raw, this hurts and the tears stain my face.....

I just want to wake up.  Realize this is a nightmare.

I want to feel you close again.