If I could just see you....

Everything would be all right.

Get the Look:

Dress: Mon Cheri : Empire Maxi Dress-Milk ( The Monochromatic Fair Item)

Necklace: Mon Cheri : Saasha Necklace Blue-Silver ( The Monochromatic Fair Item)

Piercing: Pekka : Fidelity

Piercing: Cute Poison : Tsukimi Piercing

Tattoo: Little Pricks : She Will be Loved

Hair: Little Bones : Weekend-B&W

Skin: Belleza : Lily V1 Med 18

Hands:   Slink : Casual Hands

Feet: Slink : Feet-High

Eyes: IKON :Perspective Eyes-Apex

Eyeliner: Pekka :  Metalic under eyeliner-Black

Pose: Marukin: Pastel (past Collab88 item)

Listening to: Lifehouse - The Storm

There ain't no reason you and me should be alone

I'm on the edge of glory, and I'm hanging on a moment with you...
I'm on the edge with you.

The Look:

Dress: aisling : Qarth Lady-White ( The Secret Affair Item)

Bracers: aisling : LadyofHighgarden-Bracers (black) ( The Secret Affair Item)

Hands: aisling : LadyofHighgarden-Hands (black) ( The Secret Affair Item)

Piercing: Pekka : Fidelity

Piercing: Cute Poison : Tsukimi Piercing

Hair: Clawtooth : Chick Habit-Black Eye (Collab88 Item)

Skin: Belleza : Lily V1 Med 18

Hands:   Slink : Casual Hands

Feet: Slink : Feet-High

Lipgloss: Pink Fuel : Glossy Pout Lipstick-Nude Pink

Eyes: IKON : Perspective Eyes-Apex

Eyeliner: Pekka :  Metalic under eyeliner-Black

Pose: Glitterati: Beauty 1, 3, 12

When it all goes blurry....

...it takes awhile but then eventually, out of no where, it goes back into focus.

I can't believe I haven't blogged since November.  Gosh has it really been that long?!?!?!  I was waiting for that spark and it finally happened tonight.  

So here it goes...

It's been a journey.  I thought everything in SL was making sense... but just as quickly it was all falling into place, it seemed to crumble.  And crumble did it ever.  It's at times like those that you realize your friends.  You even happen upon strangers that become friends because you share a similar journey. 

Everything felt dark and I felt so lost.  Nothing made sense and I even hated signing into SL.  My friends and my SL family were the only reason I would try.  I took the advice of a new friend and went through the journey that I felt I needed to go through.  I couldn't just pretend there was no hurt, I couldn't avoid the pain, I couldn't just slap a big band-aid over the wounds.  I had to walk the journey and I had to heal the wounds which took time.

Then randomly the sun started to shine again and things weren't so blurry. 

I had let go....the pains, the hopes, the dreams, the memories, the feelings that I was clinging to.  I had to put it all in its place.  I needed to walk forward.  I needed to figure out my purpose again.  

It seems that for once, I'm learning the balance between what is Second Life and Real Life.  I'm so excited about what is happening in both realms.  I have friends that were there for me in some pretty dark moments that forever touched my heart and mean the world to me.  They are forever my family.  

And finally...it all makes sense in SL again. I am a friend.  I am apart of a crazy family.  I get to smile and laugh.  I am silly.  I get to play greedy, go to clubs, dance, shop, and hang out.  In the end though, it's just all about being me.

Get the Look:

Shirt: Tres Blah : Blazer with Tank-Cranberry (Collab88 Item)

Skirt: Tres Blah : Mini Skirt-Black (Collab88 Item)

Shoes: Candy Doll : Gossa Black (Whore Couture Item)

Necklace: Maxi Gossamer : Tokyo Party Night (Collab88 Item)

Piercing: Pekka : Fidelity

Piercing: Cute Poison : Tsukimi Piercing

Tattoo: Little Pricks : She Will be Loved

Hair: Clawtooth : Betty Spaghetti-Black Beauty (Collab88 Item)

Skin: Belleza : Lily V1 Med 18

Hands:   Slink : Casual Hands

Feet: Slink : Feet-High

Lipgloss: Pink Fuel : Glossy Pout Lipstick-Baby Pink

Eyes: IKON : Lucid Eyes-Summit

Eyeliner: Pekka :  Metalic under eyeliner-Black

Pose: Miseria : Beat Pose 1 and 2 (past group gift)

Nothing is the same....

I keep trying... 

I keep trying to push through, trying to move on and yet, every time I think I can stand and even attempt a few steps, I fall.  I want so bad to rewind the hands of time.  To go back to a place where I knew what to do and I didn't doubt every single one of my actions.  There was a time were I could message you and not second guess every thing I said.  

Or maybe I just want to fast forward to a point that sometime, somehow we are all good.  Maybe we are together.  Maybe we have moved to a place of not being awkward.  Just anything but this place right now because this hurts so much.

I just feel like a mess sometimes.  I am so good.  I tell you I'm okay.  I don't want you to see me falling apart like this.  I can be so good though....I can go days without feeling sad and then something reminds me of you and I just want to curl up in the places that remind me of you.  

When will it make sense? 

When will it stop hurting?

When will everything around me stop reminding me of you?

When will my heart feel like it isn't smashed?

When will it stop hurting when I breathe....

I've been through this enough...I know what to do.  It's just a breakup...only this time, it wasn't just another breakup.  I am a smart woman but why this time does it feel all so different, like I can't just walk away and be good, hold my head up and carry on.  This is raw, this hurts and the tears stain my face.....

I just want to wake up.  Realize this is a nightmare.

I want to feel you close again.

Love

I love you.

Simple.

And then reality sets in...I can't tell you.

I know you know.  Just please don't forget.

Get the Look:

Dress: Duck Nipple : Fella Dress (Rockabilly Fair)

Shoes: [GOS] : Paris Peeptoe-Patient Collection

Earrings: Maxi Gossamer : Honey Diva Bo Bo

Bracelet: Maxi Gossamer : Honey Diva Bo Bo

Hair: Truth : Bobbie-Black&Whites 05

Skin: Belleza : Lily V1 Med-18

Tattoo: ::ILLMATIC:: : Infinity & Beyond

Tattoo: Little Pricks : She will be Loved

Eyes: IKON : Perspective Eyes-Apex

Makeup: Glam Affair : Elit eyes Makeup-2 

Lipstick: Glam Affair : Elit Lipstick-5

Eyelashes:   MIAMAI : Protagoniste Basic

Nails: MIAMAI : Lacquer Sublime Nails-Ink 

Pose: Glitterati : Beauty #2 Set and Basic Set

Sometimes in the middle of ordinary life...

loves gives us a fairytale.

This was always one of my favorite little sayings.  I would "aww" when I would hear it, wish that it would maybe happen to me someday, but really never believed that it could.  Yesterday simply added proof that I finally have been granted my fairytale.

For the first time in five years, (yes, it was five years on July 2nd!!), I have felt like I have found my place.  I have found an extraordinary slice of SL heaven.  I finally feel like I belong in a way that I have always longed for, but never thought was ever possible.  It's been an ongoing journey since the beginning of March, with lots of serious tweaking, but within the last month and half....it all started to really fall into place.  I made some very important choices and did serious soul searching where I wanted my path in SL to take me.  I was tired of where it was heading and the feeling I got every time I signed in was starting to leave me very disappointed. I deleted the negative people that found a way to always bring me down.  I'm not half in...I'm all in for the first time ever.  I'm not ashamed of anything that I am either.  I don't think for a minute that I'm better for doing this, I simply did this for me...the rest that has happened has been amazing blessings.

I am proud of who I am...so here it goes--

I am a vampire.  I choose to become active in a vampire clan, nah it's more than a clan, it is my family.  I found an amazing, crazy family that never runs out of wacky things to do.  We have our serious side, we stick by each other, we don't always get along but that is okay.  I absolutely love the random dance parties, the greedy games, the chats, the field trips, fishing afternoons, the club events, and the people that I get to hang out with every day.  I love knowing that I'm gonna get picked on.  I like knowing that a bus might get thrown at me.  I love knowing that if I need something, there are a lot people willing to help out and I'd do the same for them.

I am a friend.  My friends seriously amaze me.  The ones that stick by me through thick and thin and always have my back...those are the true friends.  I have had people come and go for lots of reasons.  I'm glad for the ones that have held on or found a way back in.  I have a small group that I hold very, very close to me and they know who they are.  I know that I haven't always been the best of a friend.  I'm working on that though.  I am learning how to let people in.

I am a momma.  I never, ever dreamt that I was going to be apart of a SL family, let alone have someone ever call me a momma or some variation.  That has all changed though.  I was honored when a certain someone asked me if I would be her Momma.  Of course I said yes.  It is all new, but I'm getting the hang of it, I think.  She makes it incredibly easy and I'm proud to be her momma.

I am a partner, a love, a best friend, a companion..etc.  I don't think one title does it justice so I had to go with a few.  He started as the friend that would give me the truth, listen to me vent and let me be crazy. We helped each other through things.  There was a moment when I realized how important he had become.  Then, I realized that I loved him.  I was in denial.  He was in denial.  Lucky for us both, we finally figured it out.  We did it right though. From the first night he asked me out that was our first dance forward, I have always felt so incredibly loved.  He is the call that I wait for in the morning and the last person I think about before I fall asleep.  It's the dancing, the laughing, the talking, the smiling, the loving, the supporting, the teaching, the learning, the giving...it is all these reasons that make me realize just how incredible it is to have someone to share in this journey with.

I am me.  All of the reasons before are so very, very important to me, but I believe completely what I am and who I am. I am the reason I am happy.  I made the changes for me.  I took the chance that what I wanted could really become a reality.  I believed in the change, the possibilities.  Yes, I had the support of friends and people that I love telling me that I could do it, but I had to put myself out there and take a chance.  I'm so very glad I did.

So on with my look...

Get the Look:

Dress: Apple May : Neveah Gown-Black

Mask: #187# : Dentelle Mask-Black

Necklace: Mandala : Yakushi-Black

Earrings: Mandala : Yakushi-Black

Bracelet: Mandala : Polly-Black and Silver

Piercing: Pekka : Fidelity

Tattoo: Little Pricks : She Will Be Loved

Hair: Truth : Qopi-Black 05

Eyes: IKON : Lucid Eyes-Summit

Eyeliner: Pekka : Metalic Under Eyeliner-Black

Eyeliner: (Elate!) : Double Cateye Eyeliner

Eyelashes:   MIAMAI : Protagoniste Basic

Nails: MIAMAI : Lacquer Sublime Nails-Rouge 

Skin: Belleza : Lily V1 Med-18

Lipstick: Pink Fuel : Elly Comestics Vamp

Pose: Poses were from Exposeur and  Glitterati. (I was using a bunch and didn't write down which ones that I was using when I was snapping pics...sorry.)

**The pics were taken after a Gothic Masquerade Ball yesterday for my clan.  

The Search is Over

A girl can't help but want to be a princess.  Regardless if she claims she doesn't, she wants to be swept off of her feet.  She wants to feel those butterflies in her stomach.  She wants to smile for no reason but at the thought of that one person that makes her feel incredibly special. It's that simple fairytale that we all seem to want but how many times do we pretend that we don't want it.

I may have had this long blog written on Thursday night.  I thought it was perfect and I was just about to post it. Well, before I knew it, things started to happen and without warning everything changed.  Quickly, I hit the delete key of what I had written since it no longer applied.  Crazy how things happen so almost unexpectedly. 

It seems that sometimes everything you want is just right in front of you all along.  I started realizing that and before I knew it, it was a reality.  This is exactly what I wanted and I feel like a princess every minute.  For the first time, I know I did it all right.  From the start, it was built the way it should have been and I couldn't be happier.  

Get the Look:

Dress: Dead Dollz : II Lungo Addio

Earrings: Amorous : Intersekt

Piercing: Pekka : Fidelity

Piercing: Pekka : Diamons & Chest Piercing-Black

Tattoo: ::ILLMATIC:: : Infinity & Beyond

Hair: [taketomi] : Kyo- Blacks 03

Eyes: Dead Apples : Thunder Eyes-Berry (Past Arcade Item)

Eyeliner: Pekka : Metalic Under Eyeliner-Black

Eyeliner: (Elate!) : Double Cateye Eyeliner

Eyelashes:   MIAMAI : Protagoniste Basic

Nails: MIAMAI : Lacquer Sublime Nails-Ink 

Skin: Belleza : Lily V1 Med-18

Lipstick: Pink Fuel : Glossy Pout Lipsticks -Lt. Tones Nude Pink

Pose: exposeur : Top Model Fall 2009

Listening to: The Search is Over by Survivor